craigslist Portland! For every reason one has for moving to Portland, there is an equal and contrary reason why you should NOT move then. Take our rental request, for illustration. With the smallest vacancy rate in the country, chancing a half-decent place to live then that is not a nonfictional closet is a menial agony. Sure, the megacity is filled with cute grandiloquent bungalows with scapegoats in the vicinity, but the chances of actually landing a spot in one of them are o at this point. Other options live, but as you will learn from spending any time scrolling through Craigslist, every announcement looks like one of these below, and they are all terrible for their own uniquely Portland reasons. But hey, it beats wherever you are from in the Midwest, right?
275-stupendous bungalow in SE! favas couples 420 hellos! NO DEPOSIT-( SE Portland)
The appeal After a summer spent following Dave Matthews Band, you and your swain decide to put down some roots. You hear Portland is cool and that Southeast is where it’s at. No one
tells you just how big that quadrant is, so you go for the first place that is willing to take in the two of you and the giant canine you picked up off the side of the road nearly in Humboldt County. You assume it’s chill because it’s 420-friendly. And it’s so damn cheap!
The reality After a 20- nanosecond drive down Foster, you start to wonder if the house you are looking for also has a unicorn in the front yard– it’s got ta be too good to be true, right? You read a sign that says” ROADWAY NOT bettered” right before your auto goes nose-first into a massive drainage gutter in the middle of the road. The house does not have a unicorn in the yard, but it has enough emotional boats out front!
The final straw You take in your surroundings before knocking on the front door to get a better read on the neighborhood. It does not portray the classic symptoms of being a rough neighborhood per se, but the trash bags bartering out the windows are presumably not a great sign. The proprietor eventually opens the door and asks what you suppose about” felony apartments,” and you are not sure if you are supposed to laugh. You shake his hand and tell him you will be in touch when he asks you how numerous months you’d like to pay for upfront, in cash.
500-Old- academy indie gallants seek rocking’ roomie( Upper Division)
The appeal The announcement promises a haven for aspiring musicians, complete with a barrel tackle in the basement, a garage for motorcycle tinkering, and off-road parking for your old weight van. Before showing you the room, joe gives you a stint of the house and mesmerizes you with origin stories of the colorful vestiges bestrew about the place that he acquired when he” voyaged with Jonestown” in the late’90s. Judging by the stacks of broken guitars and empty PBR barrels in the living room, these guys are the real deal.
The reality It’s been three months since you moved by, and that same mound of PBR barrels in the living room is still teetering back and forth. You feel bad stepping on toes and asking people to clean up, but the fact that you are the youthful person in the house at the agile age of 30 makes you wonder how these guys indeed serve in the real world, which is far, far down from this place.
The final straw The landlord– who everyone swore up and down was “super-mellow”– serves the house with an eviction notice for remitment of rent. You wonder where the master tenant collecting everyone’s rent got the scrape to buy a new Fender Jazz master, which now makes a lot of sense. The gang throws one last house show– members of The Dandy War hols and The Wipers will be there, according to the flier– to wreck the place before the landlord gashes it down and turns it into condos. An old Utz pretzel jar is passed around to collect donations for the first person in the house to need dialysis, which is a sad, forthcoming conclusion at this point.
The reality Despite the landlord’s” rigorously executed” no faves policy, the ragged carpet in the hallway always smells like cat pee. And curry. And banal cigarette bank. The antique callbox out front only works with original figures– which neither of you has– so you give up altogether on ordering delivery or having guests. as if there’d be anywhere for them to sit amongst your pile of guitar amps and your gal’s failed Etsy systems, anyway.
The final straw is The nocturnal headache of looking for a parking spot and avoiding billabongs
of barf left on your sidewalk by 20- commodity bros who snub hard on NW 21st remind you did not you move to Portland because it sounded like a place with ample parking and heave- free sidewalks? You consider introducing the idea of moving out to take a breath, but your gal informs you, out of the blue, that she’s defecting to France to learn how to be a classically trained paper mâché artist before you indeed have the chance.
700-Sunny garret in lively Burner house-good vibes only! ( NE Alberta)
The appeal You had such an amazing time at Burning Man last summer, and wish the experience would no way end, so why not live with kindred spirits keeping the dream alive 365 days a time?
The reality You fancied yourself a free spirit relative to your normie musketers with day jobs and mortgages, but your devotion to the Burner life is called into question when you move in with a crowd of diehards whose knowledge of chargers( and access to their parent’s credit cards) is far deeper than yours. You know for certain that, with the extravagant cost of your apartments, there is no way any of these people are making ends match by stropping shanks or tutoring yoga five hours a week.
The final straw The wake of patchouli reek from the endless affluence of couch surfers en route to events with names like” Incantation” and” Elevation” takes its risk on your affair of solely good vibes. effects come to a head when annex-frat dude turned nudist dirt-pirouette starts playing Jack Johnson covers at your daily barrel circle. You reluctantly oblige when the gang asks you to take your negative energy away.
450- HUGE room in a trendy multi-generational house- CLOSE IN!! ( SE Portland)
The appeal The pledge of a stinky handicraftsman with a” quick walk” to bars, shops, New Seasons, and the Willamette River is enough enticing for only$ 450 per month with no parcel or deposit. You are not entirely sure what” trendy multi-generational house” means, but it can not conceivably be worse than living with a bunch of 22- time- pasts who still suppose it’s funny to blast one another with the fire extinguisher at 3 am every Friday, which is what you are putting up with now.
The reality The house is indeed graphic, and only four blocks from the Willamette. but it’s in Sell wood. You soon find out that” trendy” and “multi-generational” is a reference to the careless-hippy divorcee owner of the place, who allows your other roommate– her teenage son– to act like a maniac at all times.